TWENTY FOUR.

24 HAS COMPLETELY MIND FU*KED ME

I realize I am no longer a girl but a woman “nesting” in a one bedroom apartment, with no diamond, no child, and no man which I find most women yearning for, which at age 16 to 23 seemed like a fuc*in dream to me too. Lately, instead of counting the minutes on my fertility clock I spend hours pondering all the reasons why I shouldn’t smash the shit out of it; Becoming fully aware there are no chains binding me to anything or anyone, I no longer see the perfect partner, the perfect place to settle, or the mini-me that at one time I so badly yearned for. The childbearing hips still reside, but no child. I see me, alone, in many unfamiliar places just passing through. I fantasize about beautiful faces I will soon encounter. I day-dream of their stories, lust for life and thirst for adventure quite like mine.

   

I then think of all the relationships I’ve lived in, trying to change that person's hair into the waves of the ocean, their eyes the stars I longed to gaze elsewhere, their body mountains I’d only wish to climb. Blaming them for not fulfilling my needs, blaming them for being human. Blaming myself for never being able to settle. At age 24, I’ve learned that the fulfillment I’ve been looking for is no longer in just one mind, one body, or one person for that matter, but in myself and myself alone.  

I am starving for new scenery and an intellectual conversation opposed to carbs and calories.  I am sick with an extreme case of the travel bug when the ones around me are in bed with the common cold. I sit here with symptoms of angst and freedom fever. I now pinch my pennies in hopes that Abraham Lincoln may sympathize with me, and teach me self-restraint along side wisdom to pursue this new life long journey.

“In the end, its not the years in your life that counts. It’s the life in your years.”

-Good Ole Abe Himself

MOUNTAINS

When I actually have to time to think.

I think about packing one of the two hand-me-down suitcases my grandmother gave me that I use as a bedside table.

maybe to the mountains outside of my kitchen

SKIN & TIGHTS

What makes a woman feel beautiful?

 

SHITTY OLD FILM.

NOSTALGIA

Life – An existence that can be taken from us at any moment, forcing the ones around us to be trapped in a snow globe of nostalgia.

I have never seen death. I have never looked one who was dying in the eyes to wish them safe travels to the other side, wherever that side may be.  Recently a few close to me have experienced loss. I watch them closely as they shift their eyes the same as their bodies in their chairs. These gestures seem uneasy and I can almost sense the agony they must be feeling. To have loved and to have lost what once was.

I analyze every stutter and awkward pause. A silence that becomes so loud I can almost hear it. A song for those who left, to come home, exits into the air.

I placed Amy in an abandoned green house. It was gutted from its botanical life. I tried to paint a picture for her mind, so she could imagine a beauty and create what once existed. She asked many questions. The questions asked were formed from a fresh curiosity to devise a deeper understanding of her whereabouts during the shoot. The pictures I chose to keep were the ones where I saw her longing for what once was and what will never be again.

I am sorry if you have ever lost, but I have gained so much from you.