FIREWORKS.

Fireworks In February

We filled the house with smoke

&

 our glasses with champagne,

on a cold Monday in February.

.

champagne/no pain

SEASONAL DEPRESSION.

SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER:
“S.A.D.” (NOUN) 1. DEPRESSION ASSOCIATED WITH LATE AUTUMN AND WINTER THOUGHT TO BE CAUSED BY A LACK OF LIGHT.

AKA: SEASONAL DEPRESSION

FACTS:

1. ≈10 million affected each year

2. 1/2 American's suffer from S.A.D.
3. 60%-90% who suffer are women (so be nice to your ladies men)
4.Lack of sunlight increases your body's melatonin levels
(melatonin is a chemical that regulates our sleep)
5. Obviously you are not alone.

        REASSURANCE: It is okay to blame the weather.
It is also okay to sit around the house, under every possible blanket you can find, eat more carbs than normal, watch Netflix movies filmed in various warmer parts of the world, cry more than once a week, and converse about the effects of your state of mind with nearly everyone in bypassing while wearing your high school pajamas.

-

HOWEVER: YOU ABSOLOUTLEY CANNOT MAKE THIS YOUR FULL TIME JOB.

 –BECAUSE-

A) YOU DO NOT GET PAID TO DO SO

 B)YOU WILL ONLY DEPRESS YOURSELF MORE

 C) YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS, FRIENDS, & EVEN STRANGERS NEED YOUR GOOD VIBES NOW MORE THAN EVER.

(There are a few solutions for symptom relief)

I recommend poppin' a Vitamin D before breakfast each day. Turning your bathroom into a sauna AT LEAST once a week, while doing so pretend your bath is the Ocean and even though "we all hate the state" close your eyes and embrace the Florida humidity; Take advantage of the snow and build a snowman, sip & sled, and drift the shit out of your probably already rusted-out car, and last but not least...put on your swimsuit, find a boat, grab a pineapple, some shades and pretend you are starring in a Wes Anderson Film.
-maybe not the last one, but you get the point-

This annoying array of emotions will not last Forever.

 Feeling...

Lethargic
Unmotivated
Distracted 
Sad
Pessimistic
Anxious
Irritable

...will not last forever.

BESIDES, IM PRETTY SURE LANA DEL RAY IS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS EVER EXPERIENCED “SUMMER-TIME SADNESS”

  

❤

           

THE MOVIES.

12:43 PM on Friday the 12th

I remember a time when your boxers took up all the space in my underwear drawer. I remember a time, when you would come home at the crack of dawn, hands of ice all over my body. I felt like we were in a city of “US” and all the lights were so alluring, so pretty, distracting us both from flags of the color red. But who is to notice red when you are covered in sheets of white.

I close my eyes, some time after noon, my lids doubling as projector screens. A matinee. Steam hitting the kitchen window, you’re making meat; the humidity shaping black baby curls around your face, the heat. The neighbors must have thought our love was titanic, all the steam on all the windows. 

You always told me the movies were not real;

But I loved them anyway.

TWENTY FOUR.

24 HAS COMPLETELY MIND FU*KED ME

I realize I am no longer a girl but a woman “nesting” in a one bedroom apartment, with no diamond, no child, and no man which I find most women yearning for, which at age 16 to 23 seemed like a fuc*in dream to me too. Lately, instead of counting the minutes on my fertility clock I spend hours pondering all the reasons why I shouldn’t smash the shit out of it; Becoming fully aware there are no chains binding me to anything or anyone, I no longer see the perfect partner, the perfect place to settle, or the mini-me that at one time I so badly yearned for. The childbearing hips still reside, but no child. I see me, alone, in many unfamiliar places just passing through. I fantasize about beautiful faces I will soon encounter. I day-dream of their stories, lust for life and thirst for adventure quite like mine.

   

I then think of all the relationships I’ve lived in, trying to change that person's hair into the waves of the ocean, their eyes the stars I longed to gaze elsewhere, their body mountains I’d only wish to climb. Blaming them for not fulfilling my needs, blaming them for being human. Blaming myself for never being able to settle. At age 24, I’ve learned that the fulfillment I’ve been looking for is no longer in just one mind, one body, or one person for that matter, but in myself and myself alone.  

I am starving for new scenery and an intellectual conversation opposed to carbs and calories.  I am sick with an extreme case of the travel bug when the ones around me are in bed with the common cold. I sit here with symptoms of angst and freedom fever. I now pinch my pennies in hopes that Abraham Lincoln may sympathize with me, and teach me self-restraint along side wisdom to pursue this new life long journey.

“In the end, its not the years in your life that counts. It’s the life in your years.”

-Good Ole Abe Himself

BEYOND ME.

Some nights,

I felt as if you looked right through me.

I was there, 

but what was yearned for was beyond me.

..

Love(n): A compilation of ones emotions

my thoughts at 1:33 am on the 1st of December

GLASS & GRAFFITI.

You see, 

there was glass and graffiti.

Piles of empty spray cans.

Two little boys,

peeking through sharp windows.

I imagine... 

the echo of each of our footsteps,

sent shivers down their spines.

truth: the government hates you

REDISCOVER.

Dearest Haley,

It was almost winter.

except we felt the warmth of one another,

in our minds.

we became the sun we were searching for.

we discovered one another.

in an abandon place.

in an empty place,

we emptied our souls

for mere sight of what really mattered.

 

our wishes and laughter

left in the wind with the milk weed

11/2/2014

MARIBEL.

93.2 Miles, A little under 1/2 tank of gas, and one daisy chain later lead us to the middle of nowhere where an Eerie, yet enchanting forest exist. 

The trees were black and burned;
the river was full of red mud.

MARIBEL, WI

NOSTALGIA

Life – An existence that can be taken from us at any moment, forcing the ones around us to be trapped in a snow globe of nostalgia.

I have never seen death. I have never looked one who was dying in the eyes to wish them safe travels to the other side, wherever that side may be.  Recently a few close to me have experienced loss. I watch them closely as they shift their eyes the same as their bodies in their chairs. These gestures seem uneasy and I can almost sense the agony they must be feeling. To have loved and to have lost what once was.

I analyze every stutter and awkward pause. A silence that becomes so loud I can almost hear it. A song for those who left, to come home, exits into the air.

I placed Amy in an abandoned green house. It was gutted from its botanical life. I tried to paint a picture for her mind, so she could imagine a beauty and create what once existed. She asked many questions. The questions asked were formed from a fresh curiosity to devise a deeper understanding of her whereabouts during the shoot. The pictures I chose to keep were the ones where I saw her longing for what once was and what will never be again.

I am sorry if you have ever lost, but I have gained so much from you.